Tips from the Haughty Kulturist

OLD PETE'S GARDENING TIPS

If weeds have overtaken you garden, get rid of your garden.

If your lawn is looking poor and is not worth having, turn it into a garden and completely ignore previous tip.

If tree lopping a large tree, and it looks dangerous, get your neighbour to help you and you promise to hold the ladder really tight.

If your neighbour looks like he is going to fall, tell him to throw his wallet to the side.

Some people put cow manure on their strawberries, I prefer cream, but you can't account for all tastes, hey?

Leeks in the garden are a waste of time, not only do they smell after a while but they also cause problems at BBQs.

Leeks will also cure tinea if aimed at the toes. So don't invite guests to your BBQ if they have tinea OR any other social diseases unless they wash their hands after they try a leek in the garden.

You cannot grow canned pineapples, this is a professional secret, as is Supermarket meat.

Disposable nappies do not turn into compost. This fact has never been fully appreciated by those that are Tree Huggers, Ferals or mothers at the beach.

If you persist in the garden, grow herbs, the tall resinous type herb that can also be used to make bags out of. If you happen to over-crop, just burn some of it.

A mate has just told me of this new lawn material that is available in bags.  It consists of one part cement, three parts sand and gravel and two shovel fulls per batch of green ochre. Mate reckons that now that he has it spread all over the back yard he is gunna pull up a stump, grab a few tinnies and watch the stuff grow.