When one, especially when the one that is the one who writes informative articles such as the Adventures, and the one does not like to extol his own virtues, be they many and abounding, and in copious amounts, along with this particular writers modesty, which is not usually the case with someone so brilliant and unassuming who only assumes that you know that what I am saying is true, and that if you had such brilliance you would be as modest as me. Am I right? Of course, I hear the reader shout.
However; it is important that you become familiar with the particular attributes of the main characters of this marvellous bit of Outback Adventure. This is where my modesty often prevents me from describing Old Pete as I have entered him in the story, but he is, in fact, and in Fair Dinkumness, for real, no worries sport, my altered ego. and therefore and ergo, plus albeit, everything that is a personification of my good self, except for the bits when he is rather dumb and dim-witted. However; my modesty prevents me from actually saying that, so I writ it, hey?
So, hereinuntoandaforesaid: is a description of Old Pete as I see him: Old Pete is one of the special class of old(ish) gentlemen of the Outback. He is a mild mannered person that could tear a buffalo in half with his bare hands, although in this later years he has used gloves to protect his manicured fingernails, well to be honest, not so much the fingernails themselves but the paint work on the nails depicting his time when he trained Crocodile Dundee to emasculate these creatures using only his teeth, as he did not have his teeth manicured and painted at the time, but, with the flexibility of Old Pete's persona and personal personage he could change.
Old Pete's strength lies in his power of muscle, and not in the length of his hair, as we found when he tried to push two pillows apart when his hair was long, and he couldn't just as he couldn't when it was short. Well when I say, couldn't I actually mean could, and did, but as they were only posturepeadic pillows we did not think that it reached any great merit, and sometime I use couldn't when in fact it was a very poor could, ifn' ya' know wot I mean. Next time we might try pillars instead and that will put to rest the could that should be couldn't, or Vicky-verka.
However, he has great strength of character, and the character of Old Pete, being as we are our altered egos, has been know to lift hearts to song, to lift the spirits of those dispirited, and some small change off the bar of the local pub, like Old Notty, but that's another story.
His personal appearance was something I gave great thought to, and he is rather handsome in regards to the rough, Outback hewn handsome type bloke. He has myopic pale blue eyes, nicely spaced, one each side of his long thin nose, with a mouth below, but just above the chin. This is where he keeps his pearly cream coloured teeth, which are often interspersed with spinach, lamb chop bones, possibly the tail of a goanna or so, but which also he applies diligent hygiene in so far as cleaning these munchers with lumps of charcoal from the campfire. however, this practice has established some chipping of the chompers, as he has been known to pick up a blackened rock and chew on it before realizing its hardness content, which, of course, never stopped him from biting said rock into small pieces....Things do not come quickly to Old Pete, most times.
Our ,man of the minute was very adept at adapting his adaptability to an adeptness beyond and above the call of the wild. For instance; there is more to riding camels that just sitting on the back of one, first one has to know 'cush' and then one has to know how to get them to ' un-cush', right? Then there is the art of turning a camel without tearing its nostril from its face by the button that is situated therein said nostril , not for the use of wot I just said, but for the turning of. One also has to balance oneself so that the sudden start of a V8 camel does not unbalance one, or more if you are doubling up with someone else. There are many camels still sneezing at Old Pete's early days as a camel rider
Another great trait of this straight man is his gate. mate. No not the one on his house in the Burbs of suburbia but the one that shows in his long lean to skinny legs as he strides about in his long strides (An explanation here: Us Aussies call trousers, strides, ya' see?) covering much of the Australian landscape as his gate will allow. Back in suburbia, Old Pete's neighbours got up a petition to stop the Old fella having his morning run, the reason, the smell of his burning joggers was considered a pollution problem; however (what would I do with out you?) Old Pete fixed that by running bare footed, and there was nothing in the local council legislation, or ordinances in relation to burning foot flesh, but many of the population did suffer an Old Pete foot fetish.
Meanwhile, back at the oasis, Old Pete and Heidi had finished loading the cargo camel, where upon the intrepid adventurers set sail across the desert. Now before you go all technical on me about setting sail, let me ask you this question: Are not camels also called Ships of the Desert...I rest my case. There is something about Arab seamen in this story, but I can't quite remember what it is.
The camels had enjoyed the sojourn at the oasis, and the rest had done them no harm either. The rest being like in restful, not as in the rest as if something else had been provided other than a rest, in contradiction to 'the rest', as is meant in other circumstances pertaining to rest, not to be confused with the 'rest my case' in the paragraph above, unless that paragraph has moved to another page, whereupon it would be in some other position. that is why I used the word sojourn so as not to be confusing, inf' ya' know wot I mean.
Heidi asked Old Pete would he mind if she took advantage of the slight breeze of the early morning by removing most of her clothing which consisted of a T shirt and shorts, but before Old Pete could object, (yeah right) she had divested herself of all apparel and her meagre clothing as well, and sat like a golden goddess up high on her mounts back.
"What if someone come along and catches you, Heidi?" Old Pete was not expressing his concern, he was just having intercourse of the social kind.
"I ride dis camel wiss my eyes shut, Old Pete, I not fall, so no one has to chatchenheimer me."
"Hokay". Old Pete conceded.
Old Pete had to admit that Heidi had a good seat on the camel, and while he was at it he also conceded that Heidi had a good seat off the camel, as a matter of fact, or so Old Pete conceded, Heidi had a good all round seat for all occasions.
There was some determination in Old Pete's mind to avoid another spooky sign that would disclose to all and sundry as to where he was. I don't like to bring the thought to mind but I do believe that my mate, and now your mate, is becoming a little paranoid about the Tourist Advisory Board, which, in Old Pete's mind has taken on the persona of ASIO.
ASIO, of course, for out non-literate persons, who for some self flagellating reason are persisting with trying to make a little sense of this load of absolute non-literate- nonsense, is (are you still with me) the initials of another government, bureaucratic, tax bleeding department known as Australian Sign Institution Organisation, and are an intraregional part of the Tourist Advisory Board. So, you now see how it all fits together, and may have some sympathy for Old Pete's paranoia.
Or on the other hand you may not.
Personally, I as in me, wot writes this rot, only has one paranoia, which is defined in the definitive terminology of definition as being Panaphobia, and as I do not deal with too many pans, it is of no great concern.
As for Heidi, this loveable girl seems to have no fear at all. I will iterate one experience, there may be others of course, but I ain't thought them up yet, but this one time she came over to Dear Old Pete, of whom, Heidi thought as being a dear in his personage, and a loving friend that always looked out for her, especially when she was swimming naked or bathing, or just walking around in the same manner of attire. However, ones eyes do get sore and very tired in the desert so no one, let alone me, or you, or anyone else could blame old Pete from resting his eyes on such a soft and comforting subject; now could you, I mean really. Plus, it was his duty to look after Heidi and this is why she thought he was a dear, Right? Good.
Now, where were we, the one time story:
"Old Pete, dear, I love the little furry critters of the Australian desert. Pliss, vood you teachenheimer me some names?"
"Yes, certainly, my sweet innocent Heidi, to start, that furry critter on your arm is what we call a tarantula, and with those eight inch legs, it looks like a nice specimen, too".
"OO! it tickles with its furry legs, and all the eyes lookinheimer up at me iss maka' me laugh."
"Yes, they do that sometimes. Now be a good girl and take it back to its mummy and daddy before they come looking for their little baby."
To show the accuracy of this work, I have cross referenced this particular incident with another wonderful bit of information for the reader to check. You will be delighted to find further description of Heidi's furry critter, the one on her arm, in "Loveable Little Critters".
"Oh! dear Old Pete, mummy and daddy trantelope verr so vunderful. They invite me to stand on their backs and then took me for a ride like I vass on rolla-skatenheimers with eight wheels."
"That's nice, Heidi, I am glad you are fitting into life in the desert." Old Pete's, dear old Pete's paternal instincts came to the surface where his paternal thingo's usually sit.
Do you wanna' hear another time with furry critter's? I knew you would.
Heidi was out playing with a herd of dingo pups, which, before we get too deep, I will explain why herd.
Old Pete was out with a mate one day, long before this camel trip, and they saw some dingo pups. Pete's mate said "mob of pups", whereupon old Pete set him straight by correcting with "Herd". His mate., being a a 'roo short of a mob in the top paddock, asked "Heard of what?". Whereupon, not wanting be left out of the said whereupons, Old Pete answered "Herd of Dingo Pups".
Mate naturally said, not to look ridiculous as a bushmaster of old, uttered, "Of course I've heard of dingo pups". Old Pete, ever so ever tolerant to those of less toleration said in a coaxing voice, because he had left his Valium at home, "Na! Ya' Freakin' idiot, the "Dingo pups Herd". followed by Mate's "I don't care ifn' they did, I didn't say nuffin' I shouldn'ta had".
The desert can do strange things to some people, but as I have said before, it is fair as people do strange things to the desert.
But ( In place of however) back to Heidi's story with some furry critters, when she was playing with a litter of dingo pups, which reminds me of the cat that swallowed a great big ball of wool, six weeks later it had a litter of mittens.
It seems, according to Heidi's story of the adventure, that there was a mob of big red kangaroos munching on the lush pasture of the Simpson Desert near by. Heidi did not see that the father of the litter had arrived on the scene, nor did she see the beginning of the 'roo stampede, but she was taken up in a moment of excitement as a female 'roo scooped Heidi up and shoved her in her pouch thinking that Heidi was her joey.
Every time Heidi tried to get out of the pouch, she was shoved back in, or maybe she was pulled back in, as there was also a fairly well developed Buck Joey sharing the accommodation. It wasn't as bad as one would think, the 'roo pouch had two teats producing good healthy milk, so,Heidi resolved to settle into an up and down existence of the kangaroo, and hopped around the country side for a time, like a tourist on a bull ants nest.
When Heidi started to eat grass on her own, the female 'roo tossed her out to fend for herself.
Old Pete had looked high and low for Heidi, he was devastated at the loss. The amount of money and time he had spent on this trip so far, and his camel handler has not only gone to the dogs, but to the 'roos as well, also, looking high and low was a bit stupid, I think, as it is known by almost everyone in this country that Kangaroos cannot fly.
"Hi, dear Old Pete, did you missen the little Heidi-kins?"
"I certainly did, the camels are starving."
Now before I get too far from this factual account of Heidi's adventure in the pouch of a 'roo, let me explain that I am only reiterating the event as told to me by Heidi, otherwise you would think I was just making it all up.
However, I haven't been able to cross reference this part of the yarn, just yet.